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Her Bittersweet Revenge: Hayden and my understanding of suicide by Mandy On January 16th,1998, my close friend Hayden thought she had nowhere to turn and that no one cared. She couldn't handle everything-- to her it seemd like it was all building up on her, engulfing her totally until finally she would no longer be there. Hayden gave up shortly after we had done mid-term exams. I guess some might blame it on the stress of being in final year, but I wouldn't personally. Hayden just wasn't the same..it's like she was a completly different person which is scary now that I recall the times I had spent with her before and during all of this. I had known her since I was able to talk-- we were born eight days apart and were virtually inseperaable after that. Hayden mostly stuck to herself, alone and at home and would rarely if ever talk of anything but how beautiful and calming the colour of the sky was at dawn. How could I have caught on to what had been bothering her by just that? Or could I have? Did I pay close enough attention to the girl who was supposedly my "best friend"? Finding somewhere to place the blame was and still is the hardest..so I just kind of gave up on the whole "blame" deal. It wasn't anybody's fault really, that Hayden had done what she had done. They weren't holding the gun, Hayden was. I don't blame her either, nor myself. I just dislike the fact that someone as amazingly talented, gentle, graceful, sweet and understanding could have been able to have done something like that. I guess my whole purpose in writing this was to in a way maybe tell myself that it too wasn't my fault which I partially knew but still need convincing. I find that if I talk more of Hayden and what she had really done than making something up, excuse, fairy tales or just lies about how she died, insures me that what she had done was her own decision and that maybe she is "happier".
Although Hayden had always thought suicide was pointless, she thought it
was her only choice. I wish I had been able to help, but I also hope
it has brought her to her place among the glory, cause even though I
can't tell her, she is my glory. Suicide is ugly and a misunderstood
thing I guess, but like everything else its something you've got to get used
to and deal with over time. You're not
going to forget that person and what they had done, but you'll at least
be able to make peace with yourself and the whole scary religious-based
movie-depicted image of "Suicide".
Her Bittersweet Revenge ![]() What do you think? [pennies] [you don't bring me flowers anymore] [her bittersweet revenge] |